finding myself

i hate myself
she hates me.

its that time once more. to find myself. before i get lost once more.

i failed. terribly. not academically. well. fuck academics. i failed that too.

i failed as a person. im useless as a human being.
i mean just what is so special about me. i dont see myself being top at anything.. i just quit my only chance to be top at something in school.

and i failed as a boyfriend. failed to tell her what i expected. cos all i expected was for someone to be there to just be quiet and just be there. thats why when im in these moods. i never liked to talk to anyone. i keep so quiet its scary.

i know i've nt been myself lately. tantamount to the things that've been happening. i know its hard on u. damn hard on u. and im really sorry. and i told u i didnt want to give u the letter. i knew u'd cry. but since u wanted it i gave it to u. i was jus.. expecting too much.. i know u were concerned and worried for me.. why i didnt want to eat.. why i was so quiet while copyin my notes..

why i was so quiet and din want to talk to u.. it wasnt just the headache. .i mean different people have their different ways of releasing their stress. i feel that the only way i can release is either keep it within me till it all disappears, or just laugh and laugh and laugh it all away.

and if i keep it within me, im a dangerous guy. in a dangerous mood. when something wrong goes on. i mean. i'll just blow up terribly. i havent blown up in years. i mean today was the only time. i did in a long time.

i havent read ur blog yet. maybe when i read i'll find out something.

i just need time alone. i just need to.. try to get myself back out. i dont want to continue hurting u like this. i love u.

i.. really just.. dont know what to do. im asking for help. as a man im asking for help. that takes a lot of courage. im putting aside everything and asking for help. desperately.

i need help..i need someone to guide me.. i need u to guide me to put me on the right track.. i dont want to go astray again.. i dont want to be so bi-polared like joshua. its just scary.. i just want to be myself again.. why is it so hard to turn back to that old self. when ur so carefree and everything is just enjoyable. u go to school everyday and laugh it all out. joke with people. just smile the whole day long. just fooling and joking around.

i know why ip sucks so much. there's no one like weichoy or someone like mj to set u on e track once u stray. no one like weichoy to joke around and get u out of ur stressed mood. no one like joon tat to give u all the wisdom in the world and to tell u about things u nv knew..

there's nothing that beats this. i just. i just wanna hide and hide and run away. i just dont want to face the world. i dont want to hurt anything anyone. i dont want to be hurt by anything.

today i was in the wrong. i just.. blew up too fast. i didnt think. i was in a mood. that mood. that kills. i just didnt want to blow up. im sorry. i dont know what i was doing..

i still dont.. looking at the history FOLDER. i am lost. i refuse to double click it to open it. i refuse..

my family. knows me the best. my dad.. even though i was a stupid son. the lousy son. grandson. i went home with a black face. blacker than raghavs. my dad still smiled and greeted me. and my grandpa was tellin me to come and eat.

and on my way down. i asked my dad if it rained. and he said " its ok la.. " and i knew he heard wrongly. i asked once more and he told me it drizzled just a bit just now. and during dinner i was sorry. i said sorry to him for just now. and he was tellin me its ok.

he knows i had a bad day. and he asked " ur pe teacher a sadist again? haha how's ur day? "

thats what i needed. i dont know what i needed. tell u the truth. i dont know what i wanted. but what i didnt want was someone to come tell me that my life is screwed that my life is in the dumps. i didnt want my dad to say "u dont ever shout at me again. u dont talk back to me." he's a great dad. im the lousy son.

my mom. the silent angel. standing there. on my way down to dinner she just nodded to me " psst. what happened? " and i just shook my head. i didnt give her an answer, yet they understood.

my grandpa at dinner offered me his portion. i refused.. cos i wasnt too hungry. but i appreciate it yeye. thanks.. my grandma.. saw her finally. she had this.. magical beanstalk thing? add water and it'll grow and numbers will come out? she wanted to give it to me but my grandpa told her to let me eat. she gave it to my sis in the end. i love my family.

my sis is silently there caring for me. i know.

and my laopo. she's the best. i dunno why i was so depressed today. i dunno why. but she was there for me. she was there for me. i know she was. aft my elective. she came to the lib to look for me. and altho i was pissed at something. at my IS i think. integrated subject. and yeah she was there. i really didnt need someone to tell me " eh. what attitude is this. whats wrong with you." what i needed was " heyy.. relax k? what happened?".. and i got it. somehow. i dunno how i just felt it somewhere there.. and i cheered up.. and at lunch i was depressed cos i had a major headache and on the way there u told me that if i din eat u wldnt talk to me forever.

-the phone is ringing. i foresee an sms. and im not going to read it till i finish blogging.-

so i didnt eat.. i was controlled.. i didnt like to be controlled.. i wanted to zhi you fa hui. if i wanted to eat, i'll eat.. if i wanted to borrow ur notes i wldve.. im the kind of guy that wants to prove himself.. at the end of the LA test i dont want someone to tell me " haha. see? if it werent for my notes u wldnt be doing so well." i want " good job =) "

i want a sense of accomplishment. i havent accomplished A SINGLE THING since i came to TA. i am just.. another face in the crowd. nothing important. if i leave and go back to temasek sec. ta wont lose it. tms wld gain i guess? and i just want to live my life alll over over overr again.

i dont want to lose u. im sorry for today. im sorry i was being so difficult. lesson: i just wanted someone to be there to tell me with a smile. to relax and to take things easy.. that was all i needed.. i may not acknowledge it fully.. i may not be smiling immediately and saying " =) thanks" but deep down i'll be touched cos i can see and feel that care and concern.. i knw that u wldve done anything to get me out of that state. thats why i was laughin at the study area after lunch..

i didnt want to disappoint u..

ahh my ringtone.. i.. the song brings back memories..

its amazing how u can speak right to my heart..

OMG. THE SONG. the song speaks exactly what i want to say.

"try as i may. i cld nv explain.
what i hear when u dont say a thing.

the smile on ur face lets me know that u need me.
there's a truth in ur eyes saying u'll never leave me.
the touch of ur hand says u'll catch me whenever i fall.
u say it best when u say nothing at all.."

will u be my angel? i want u to be there.. just be there to encourage me along. to tell me that.. im alright.. that i'll be alright.. i want to know the truth that i am alright. i want to know that u still love me. cos i still love u.

i just want to stop disappointing u.. i hate myself.. i dont want to disappoint or hurt u anymore.. i need u back in my life. i need u to call me and say these exact words...

"i love u.. u'll be fine ok? thats all i called to say. cheer up! *laugh* cos i love u! *giggles* hugs and kisses frm ur laopo. iwtbwyf.. bye~"

thats all i want to hear.. and i want so badly.. i want to cry so badly.. i just want to jump. cos i know i've disappointed..

and the phone rings.. i havent blogged yet..

im sorry for today. i really am.. i wont be like this.. give me time alone to find myself.. i need encouragement..

ok now im in condition to read ur blog and my sms.. i hope it isnt sad.. and im nt on msn.. im not appearing offline. im just not on msn.. cos i dont want to see ur nick. yet. i dont know whats on it.. i dont want to know so soon. it'll just be painful. probably something like " i hate u" or " i dunno what to do " or "go away.."

"i failed" maybe thats it.. cos jus now i smsed u.. sighs u didnt fail.. cos if ur a failure im loser + failure. maybe i am one. that remains to be seen.. i'll find my olld cheerful and smiling, laughing self back soon enough. soon enough. i need sleep. i need penadols. i need my guitar. i need YOU.,

loving my dear, laopo, sweetheart, dearest yixiu always,
eugene..

i mean it frm my heart.. pls dn leave me when im so vunerable now.. i wanna be with u forever.. iwtbwyf..