the downfall

i brought about, my own downfall..
where have i been all this while?
in an enormous cave
surrounding myself with my own whispers
my own screams
my own echos
they just keep resounding in my mind

i cant get the words out of my brain
"find urself back first then come back to me."
"i dont wanna hold on anymore."
"i never knew loving u was so hard."
"i dont wanna be hurt anymore."

resonance. i wish my brain was a mixer. i wld turn off the effects. plug it out so that the reverb and effect will be zilched. never to boggle my mind again.
i wish my brain was empty so i cant think abt what those words meant.
what those words really meant
for a moment i really dun want to know how to read
how to write
how to blog
how to talk
how to talk. to u.
i know i'll be hurt once i talk to u. it always happens. when i talk to u.
and yeah. i dont want to know how to study
cos studying is. not good.

whats the use. its one day away
everyone has studied
memorised
and im here
blogging abt myself
and how im trying to find myself
how i want so badly to be myself once more so i can return into ur arms
ur warm arms that always welcome me
that always seem to say
i will be here for u. always here for u.
the arms that i always run to. the only arms.

when ur dad picked u up.i called marcus.
he didnt pick up. i was lost.
i had no one to turn to.
if i lose u. i lose marcus. i lose all relation with anyone in tj.
maybe i see marcus i say hi
maybe i see friends i say hi
and what. no more. i mean. who..
fair weather friends.. fair weather friends that are there when ur happy.. that turn away once ur happiness is gone..
when the warmth all dies away..
what do u do when ur surrounded by ice..
when u know ur heart is frozen
and u'll die anytime soon.. in this world full of hatred

this world full of discrimination
this world full of hate and anger
the world is polluted
this world is full of shit

why do i still bother to be here. is hell much worse off? yes it is. thats why im here.

life isnt so worth living. i just dont want to hurt anyone. esp my parents. you.
i wld be nothing without u. i want u to know the truth
im nothing without u.
what am i? u think abt it.
ur everything i wish i cld be.
i wish i cld fly as high as an eagle. soar and forget.
ur the wind beneath those wings.
did i tell u i looked up to u. maybe i was influenced by u..
hangin out too much.. maybe what u always do rubs off on me..
and maybe i cld take it, u cldnt..

maybe u cldnt take urself..
and maybe u cldnt look into this mirror...

sometimes. very seldom.. i will think abt what u will do and i will imitate and see how u react.
how u react to ur own actions.
if u know that those actions are truely urs.
"fine. be that way." marcus is doing varun.
im glad u stopped saying "fine. i dont need eu anymore."
cos if i had said that to u. u wont have held on i guess.
and maybe u'd like to think.. why i am so hurt sometimes by ur words. ur actions..
put urself in my shoes and listen to urself go on and on..

just try to rmb what u said to me and what kind of impact htat wldve made on me..
when i wanted someone to just slow the pace down.. i mean.. the book was thrown to me and altho the notes were there.. i was crying in my heart.. i was saying " fuck i dont want the notes.. i want to do this myself and have peolpe tell me that i passed LA on my own.." if i didnt pass. .let me be then.. if i cant pass on my own i'll find another solution. i want to pass on my own..

so badly. i want to prove myself here. i have done NOTHING
to prove myself
who knows what i've done in tms.
who knows what i do in church every sunday and friday

today i was showing vishi the pictures of the indoor stadium
he told me to stop showin off
maybe he was right. i shld stop shoowin off.
and my ministry tag. i hang it there cos i wanna be special
i dun wanna be someone who hasnt done a single thing. i wanna be proud of being a new creation church sound engineer.

someone. i wanna be a somebody.. not a nobody..
i;ve been suppressed for too long.. its time i came up once more..
face reality and get on with life
with a smile and a grin on my face no matter where i go..

thats me. yeah not someone with a frown. not someone with a headache.
takin penadol now.. it'll go awway definately..
i dont want to be so grouchy
i dont want to be so angry
get the fucking anger out of me

i want myself back..
i want u back..