This fortnight

In some ways, this fortnight, this "two week separation" that we took from one another was similar to the previous one. In many other ways, I'm taking it so very differently. I credit that to friends who have helped me achieve perspective, to help me look at this fortnight so differently.



By myself, I would have thought that you needed time to just breathe and figure things out. But with new perspective comes new understanding; this fortnight wasn't just for you, this fortnight was for both of us. For me, it was a time that I could figure out what was important and what I was lacking. Not just in this relationship, but more importantly what's important in my life. I've never felt clearer about what I want, what I want to achieve and how determined I am to achieve those goals.

More concretely, it boils down to my individual self. I've come to the conclusion that I'm fundamentally a very proud person. When people tell me that in my face, I reject it straight away because that's not how I view myself. But my actions speak louder than anything. When I do something wrong, I apologize and I admit my mistakes but I always find a way to push the responsibility to something else. I always say, "I'm sorry, I know I did this, but it was because...." I didn't take full responsibility for many of my actions. It always ended up as someone else's fault or some circumstances which caused me to act that way. Once I come to realize that there's something fundamentally wrong with me, I can see now that I have so much more to learn.

Today, I've come to realize that all this while I've been trying to be a better boyfriend (credit goes to Lester who has been ever so patient). That explains my constant drifting toward you and away from everything else. Naturally, I begin to neglect other people, to over-prioritize some things over others, when this shouldn't be the case. If there's something I learnt, life isn't all about being a boyfriend. It's about being a person. In striving to be a better person instead, becoming a better boyfriend will come as a spillover effect. In the past, I used to think I was a good enough person, and so no improvement could be made in that aspect. Now, when I recognize my flaws and see room for improvement, I realize that this break was something I very much needed to get out of the stresses of being in a relationship, to be demand free, in order to examine and study my actions without consequence.

There were some inherent problems in our relationship, but I think the way we went about fixing them needs to change. Instead of changing our interaction, I should look at how I need to change myself to be a better person and subsequently the problems in our relationship will fall away. Which is why I didn't feel bothered or depressed by this break, because it's so hard to figure out problems in a relationship and try to fix it (it involves changing two people, and we have to think about how the other person will take it etc etc), but now that I figured out it was only myself I had to change, it became a goal for me, something that I want to achieve on a personal level. There was no more stress, no more pressure than the pressure that I give myself. We always look forward to achieving personal goals that we set for ourselves, but somehow feel stressed if we feel we need to change for someone else. This is the perspective I've taken toward this two weeks, and hopefully it'll shape my life for better.