Repression is a defense mechanism by which a person is so traumatized by an event that he or she forgets it and then forgets the act of forgetting. According to psychodynamic theory, repression's main function is to protect the individual from threatening information.I've recently moved back to this blog, and in doing so have also browsed to the first post, only to later remember, with the help of my first post, that this wasn't the first blog I've held afterall. I've kept another 2 online journals prior to this one, namely: my blogdrive and my blurty. My blurty was the my very first journal, followed by my blogdrive, then this very blog you're reading. If anyone is interested to know where I went after this, I tell the truth - I cannot remember. From a brief analysis of my post sequence, it's to http://magicbegins.wordpress.com/, then to http://tummaye.blogspot.com/, then to http://tubblefubblebubble.blogspot.com/ and most recently to http://tubbybeef.wordpress.com/, only to come back to this very blog you're reading.
The history of my blogging isn't very important. What's more interesting to me at the moment is the parts of me which I've left behind in all these journals. It's true, to anyone else, recalling my life in retrospect through my journals is rather humourous. We all laugh at how I used to type, how I used to layout my journals, the philosophies I subscribed to and the things that meant the world to me. It's only natural that we laugh, because in light of the person I've become today, my past is rather amusing.
I always knew that a person is who he/she is today because of his/her past experience; your personality, the way you think, reason and feel... all these things are constructed through experiences you've gone through. However, as I browsed through my old journals, I re-discovered a part of me which I subconsciously fought to suppress. I went through a lot of emotional pain when I was a kid. And to be perfectly honest with everyone, I really don't have much recollection of my 13 - 16 year old lives. I don't recall what I was involved in, who my friends were, how I felt about them, how I felt in general amongst other aspects of my life.
I have come to believe that I went through a phase which was so emotionally destructive, that I repressed most of the memories from that time (memories of events & emotions linked to those events), and in place filled them up with what I wanted to believe. I'm not saying that I've constructed memories from scratch, that would be plain denial, but then again isn't every memory which is retrieved from your brain reconstructed everytime you retrieve it? I believe to an extent I have reconstructed my memories based on what my brain feels is best for me now. It would be very depressing to recall the pain everytime you think about your past, and hence your brain filters out this and only exposes you to a fraction of what happened, covering it up (or "sugarcoating", if you must) with better memories from that period of time.
After browsing through my past journals, I forced myself to recall the emotion involved in my past writing. I realized that I was indeed quite a troubled boy, to say the least. I remember having my first girlfriend in my earlier secondary 1 year (that would be 13 years old). And ever since, it's been brutal breakup followed by brutal breakup followed by brutal breakup. Not all of them involve girls dumping me, but my point is - life then was quite chaotic for me. I went through multiple strings of relationships in a feeble attempt to piece myself back together. I think I went through a really tough breakup during one of those phases and couldn't seem to reconcile myself. I can't recall and no I don't really want to go digging into the details now. But the gist of it is there. No wonder I can't remember much about my early teenage years.
And this might explain why I am the person I am today, approval seeking and constantly trying to make others happy. Trying to fit in and blend, conforming so that I would be accepted - if not by my loved ones then by society at the very least. (No no, I'm very happy now, so Linette don't worry.) I didn't want to be rejected by anyone or anything, because rejection, losing something which meant something to me, facing disapproval... hurt so much. It become this inset fear of loss, fear of rejection, fear of being thrown aside, fear of being removed, fear of being ignored, fear of being hurt.
So to all my friends who read this, I hope I paint a better picture to aid in your understanding of the "special boy" I am today. I don't ask for sympathy, I don't ask for special treatment, and I certainly don't ask for a long talk to reconcile the chasm in my teenage memories. I only ask for understanding and (I know this is awkward) respect. To understand that I am made up of my past, that all these past experiences, good and bad, constitute who I am today and without any single one of them I might be a very different person. So above all, this is my plea for appreciation and understanding of my past, and to incorporate that into your comprehension of who I am today.
I'm a jigsaw puzzle, only problem is I guess I've forgotten what my pieces look like. These journals help me to find/remember those pieces when I need them.
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