down and out.

i've not felt like this for so long.. such a long time. but now im finally reminded of those feelings.. i dont know why but for the love of god. i think i begin to hate myself.

first a brief outline of what happened today. morning woke up. lots of things happened. lost two best friends. yaya. den. grandpa sick. take care of him liao. den eat my breakfast which i cooked. den i went out soon after. 6-2 class chalet.. ok la. we talked lots of cock. den darren called me.. crazy fella. wanted to come find me. in e end REALLY come find me sia. ok la ok la. so he came with andrew and almost crashed the entire party. andrew smokes? goshh. lol. leave him la. the crazy fellas wanted me to go bowling with them. lols.. in e end they went on their own.. i was left with my ex-classmates.. we talked lots of cock.. abt the girl's bra and all that shit.. ahh we were crazy la. marshmellows.. kenny's chicken wings.. sausages.. mmz.. not bad leh. all 6-2s changed.. not bad.. i mean ok la.. keny dyed gold-brown.. chris like gold dere.. mmz.. csl.. leo.. junming.. all become more of themselves.. kenrick.. hehe.. still the cute dinosaur =).

ok ok in the end going home le.. met up with darren and andrew.. den went home.. took 12.. came hm 35 mins late.. supposed to be home at 9.. but omg.. the forest frm bus stop to house so scary.. shit la. i tonight nightmares le.

mm k. now abt this morning.. phin siew called. she asked me why i broke up with steffi. to be honest. really. from the bottom of my heart. u guys can call me a liar. a fake. a phony. whatever. i dont know. but these are MY words. MY explanations. believe it or not. fake. some of u may say. whatever. but here goes. i dont know why i broke up can? i got pretty disappointed at myself after a while. i couldnt fulfill my duties as BOYFRIEND. "shit. ur lying. u dont love her anymore do u. thats why u broke up." some of u may say. i dont know. i really dont know. my life is in turmoil. its like. dust on the floor. im being trampled over by everyone and everything.happy and sad alike. i have no one to turn to anymore. gossip gossip. blabla. go ahread. i deserve this dont i. two special people. very special to me. they'd agree frm the bottoms of their hearts. i deserve all this.

"i'd like to quote. at darren's bday party. charmaine and darren got abit high. i drank only a little so i wasnt too drunk. den charmaine told darren she needed to pee. so they went off. into the playground area. we guys decided to go check on em. what could two drunk people do? so there we went, they were kissing and hugging under the slide. oh well. thats alright i guess. but soon after, char came crying. walking past us to the girls area.. everyone would think its darren's fault. well here's the actual true story i guess. darren im sorry i had to use this. but i totally agree with ur statement now. the girls are "always right". now. when we went back up, darren told me that char "wanted to piss" but brought him to the slide. oww. ok ok so thats a lie, and yeah.. she started doing all sorts of crazy things to him.. and to be seen by us was so embarrassing can? so darren called her smt. like sicko.. wasnt too bad i think.. i forgot. but char came crying. mm.. so first impression was : darren did something. but come on.. who's in the wrong?

same scenario. i was sitting nxt to valen on the bench and darren came over valen was crying. so darren thought i did something. i did nothing! see? its always the girl that gets it. im not trying to sun u girls or anything la. its just.. im writing this cos i wanted to.. im sorry if i offended anyone. not all girls are like that. most do take the blame too.. im prejudice maybe.. i dont know. aiya but its always the guy that takes responsibility, sorry my view =)


so phin siew. she asked me if i was two timing her. gosh. i never two timed. well that may depend on our definitions k? i define two time as having two girlfriends at a time. sure i was close to two other girls frm dhs. none of them was my girlfriend k? i never popped the question. i wanted to be sure this time. before i rush into anything stupid. stupid eugene. impatient fool. cant do anything right.

sure i had a crush on these two girls. previously their feelings were the same. now.. one of them hates me to the core. the other is utterly disappointed. why? i dont know. i really dont. too many things. headache. i turned to the both of them whenever i was sad. depressed. down and out. i never turned to steffi. i dont want to make her feel useless for not being able to cheer me up. but van and fm. they were the best at cheering me up. now they're gone. who's left..

i told them. i'd not talk to them anymore. why? cos i didnt want to destroy their relationship as best buds. great friends. i dont mind. i dont mind.. being in this state. if only everything else went well. and alright. im perfectly fine. "crocodile tears - some of u may say", like i said. whatever. im not going to bother. this is MY BLOG. im postin whatever i wanna on it. no one has the right to tell me wad to do and wad not to do. now i've lost my two best friends. thats PERFECT isnt it. retribution some might say.. whatever u guys think. im tired i dont wanna explain. this is all the explanation that i can, and will supply. my two best friends are gone. i have no one to turn to. i think both hate me now. someone save me.

i should just smash my guitars and get rammed by a bus. if i die no one knows right. my parents maybe. my family. but friends would just think im offline for a lifetime. classmates would think i transferred to another school. whatever.. but this is how i feel. deep frm the bottom of my heart. btw, im ok with my mom. i understand now, how hard it is being a parent of 2, a wife, and a daughter-in-law at the same time. are my parents on the verge of divorce? i look into the wedding album and my heart cries out. my eyes are forever dry. they never get wet. is my mom ok? is my dad ok? my grandpa fell sick.. whats going to happen? my grandma. she's forever out. who knows what may happen.. god help. i turn to my guitar for help. but it only seems to make me more sad. my electric is at pasir ris. left it at class chalet. i want my baby back. im drowning in chewing gum. in water. i want to drown.