pondering

in life, we ponder. ponder abt alot of things. existence, for example. or whether we'd die tomorrow, whether our lives are as meaningless as crap, whether we'd be fine if a car crashed into us, whether we'd see our own flesh disintergrate.

i ponder if i'm sane, whether im mentally stable sometimes. how come the definitions of so many things just arent my definitions of it? why do things turn so ugly and so frustrating sometimes? how come no one understands that all i wanted to do was to make things alright for everyone, to sort out differences face to face instead of screaming at each other?

me? i shouted at syakirah, jane, jonathan today. im sorry for shouting at u. pls nxt time dont play with e pillows le. i know u all are sry. and i know u all didnt mean to throw e pillow, its fine le. syak.. how come u have to ask if this classroom was public or not? i mean its not like we put a chain on the door and admit only 1E ppl rights.. lets be gracious hosts to our other class guests? come on, some come here to do work, some come here to learn.

sometimes i wonder if people will understand how i feel, why i turn out so.. non-understanding sometimes. i know that dear is angry becos she got chased out of e classroom after being hit by a pillow. who wldnt be angry? imagine u were doing ur work and half way a pillow come hit u. the work is frustrating and like. kena hit tt time sure pissed off one la. what really kicked both our asses hard was the comment after that.."since when did our classroom become public?"

syak, admit it lahs, i know that u were angry at us cos we shouted. sorry for shouting, it was the pillow thing. we were in shock la. but how come u had to say tt?

dear. i know u were offended, not u but me too. i tried to patch things up. i had a short talk with them after u left the room. and after that u had me come out. why did u wanna blow e whole matter up? would there be benefits for all of us? wouldnt the only benefit lie in speaking diplomatically and coming to a consensus?

yes, that would mean putting down ur pride to come. syak, the truth is, this classroom IS public, and she came to ask me for help in math. so.. lets be gracious?


that done, i ponder more. why am i here? what purpose do i serve? syak said that xiu's lucky to have a boyfriend like me. so lets go deeper into that- my purpose as ur boyfriend.

i'm glad to be ur boyfriend, just wondering abt things alot of the time. like what purpose do i play in ur life. im not saying u dont, but im asking if u do. do u ever wonder why i cry? do u ever wonder why i do things? why i dont bear grudges? do u ever wonder why i love u?

love is a complicated thing, i wont go into it. i can only say that i love u. whether i'm sane enuff or not, thats another matter. whether people believe me or not, another different matter. whether u believe it or not. a totally whole different matter.

sometimes i dont bear grudges only for one reason- i believe in the yellow ribbon project. these convicts need a chance. two chances, three, four, five. a billion chances. no one wants to do the wrong thing. everyone wants to do the right thing. now, how do we define " right " and " wrong "?

right- politically right, emotionally right, practically right,
wrong - totally wrong, criminally wrong, subjectively wrong.

i want to be RIGHT, dont u? how come when people do something WRONG i can stand it? slowly step by step i guide the person to do the RIGHT thing. wrong people arent to be abandoned. not to be thrown aside. wrong people need to be taught the right thing. dont abandon me just becos i did smt wrong. stay by me and teach me how to do something right.

when my sister has problems with her math, i dont look at her accusingly asking her "why u dunno how to do?" i go "teacher haven teach yet, or u nv pay attention? if u nv pay attention nvm, now learn better than never."

when people make mistakes, please do not abandon them. please stay by them and teach them step by step what is the right thing to do.

im with u. cos i love u. and i abandon myself to you, wholeheartedly.
hurt, i may be. angry, i may get. frustrated, i may feel.
but loving u, i will be. loving u, i will do. loving u, is one big pleasure.
all this while i'm not afraid of being hurt by u.. whether i get hurt or not it doesnt matter, what matters is that u learn from ur mistakes, if u made any, and i learn from mine, if i made any.

and we'd get past all these hurdles-hand in hand.
today, when i was with u outside, with marcus, i put my finger to ur lips and gave u a look in the eyes.. by the look, i didnt mean " shut up. " i meant " hey. shh... everything's fine. "

maybe u misunderstood it. i just didnt want u to get any angrier. everything was fine. and the finger was just to try to calm u down. not to say anything anymore. just to forget abt everything. what u did after that, i forgive. its okay de. im serious, its ok. my fault for nt being able to take the sudden blow. but now my shoulder hurts cos when i walked back in, i brushed past marcus quite hard. banged into the classroom yellow door VERY hard with my shoulder. and hit kumaran's bag with my hurt arm.

and then i went to my place to pack my stuff up. and there, i saw my eyes blur. i told myself that i couldnt cry, that i shouldnt. that men bleed, not cry. if i wanted to cry, home was the place. not school. but i look at my writing pad cover. the words i wrote on it. and the tears just flowed. i dont know why. maybe its just the overwhelming emotions. it just went off like that. thank god marcus was there. how i wished it was u who gave me that hug, who wiped my tears away.

outside e classroom i so badly wanted to give u a hug, but becos it was in sch, i didnt. i just put my finger to ur lips saying " shh, everything's alright. hush now.. " i touched ur cheeks giving u that little bit of affection, and put my finger to ur lips. ok.. now i hope my actions are justified, and that no one misunderstands anything..

u know i'd understand everything; if u have no time, i understand. if u need to go somewhere, i understand. if ur tired, i understand. if i'm not wanted sometimes, i understand. pls try ur best too- try ur best to understand what i need sometimes. its just some peace and serenity. just a few nights of early sleep. hugging my pillow. not caring abt the world anymore. thats what i need. a good long break. away from civilisation. i love u still.

loving u always,
eugene.