clueless

I have this lingering feeling that i'm being kept out of a lot of things... Sometimes when i ask what happened you would just shrug it off with a "nothing", "dunno", "dun care" etc.. Sometimes it's really hard to take good care of you, knowing that there IS something wrong in your life, There IS something going terribly wrong, yet you refuse to reveal it to me..

It just takes a lot out of me, just getting to know what the problem is. By that time, I will probably have no energy left to solve the problem. It's hard, there's no doubt, but hard as it is, I'm staying by you- no matter what.

Sometimes our mood may get the better of us. Eg: I'm sleeping and hate to be woken up, I scold the person who wakes me up. Another eg: You get into a fight with your family members, so when I call you there are all these funny words and replies - dunno, dun care, no, yes. And no matter how hard I try to start a conversation, it just doesn't work...

Finding out the problem is hard enough; how do I solve it? A lot of times problems deal with human relation skills. This means emotion and feelings, and I'm not exactly the most perfect person to be touching on that topic. I'm more of a- let go; forgive and forget kind of person yeah. Maybe a lot of things i do/a lot of advice i give is not feasable in your case. Maybe your ego is bigger than mine, thus you cannot forgive and forget?

When people criticise me, getting angry is not the way to go, getting angry doesn't solve anything. When people decide to criticise me, I'm pretty sure they have a good reason for doing that. "Eugene, you suck in math." "Eugene, you need to be more careful." "Eugene, don't fall asleep in class anymore." These people are giving me constructive feedback. I pickup and learn from it. Falling asleep during Hasim's lesson? Solution- Type down his entire powerpoint slide in word document form. Nadiah can vouch for me (:

Don't take critisicm negatively. Eg: Marcus, your hair sucks. (This isn't true but its an example) Don't go like "yeah yeh i know it sucks. wad to do?" You're asking me what to do? Do something about it, like DUH! (: If something is wrong, then put it back right. If something in your life is wrong, find a solution for it. Don't keep it to urself, share.

I'm here to share the tears, to share the happy and the sad times. Don't just come to me when ur happy, or vice versa. I want to be here for u, happy or sad. When i simply tell you - I'm unhappy. I'm just unhappy. but i dont tell u why, or how, or what i'm unhappy over, will u feel good?

i dont-

i definately dont feel good at all. i feel useless, thrown aside and just rubbish, basically. something uneeded, something unwanted, something untreasured by everyone. whether u have me or not, does it make a difference? when ur so reluctant to tell me things.. when i'm just a big fat bother in ur life, when i'm just a hurdle along the track..

i could be here today, gone tomorrow, and people would be sad for about half a month or so, then they'd find replacements. eugene the cg rep, gone, changed to someone like marcus the cg rep. eugene the sound engineer, changed to some other guy. eugene the good friend; people grow old. friends change. eugene, yixiu's boyfriend. you'd find a new one if i die.

what significance do i play in this society? role model? yeah my ASS. big brother? my sis doesnt need no big brother. she's independent. a leader? there are 4.2million people in singapore. pick another one.

how come i'm so useless; sometimes i really dont know. things i say are wrong, things i do are rarely right. things i make are like shit. dunno how to express. hardly ever helped anyone..

pissed sarah off today during PE when i called her slacker. u know i meant it as a light hearted joke. everyone could tell from the tone of my voice i was just trying to perk all of u tired classmates up. i found the incident where u "skipped" across the finishing line rather interesting, well not interesting but rather funny (: cos before that we were at the grand-stand going like - SARAH! DONT SLACKKK!! den u skip skip. so contradictory. but apparently i think u thought i was referring to a different thing. i think your timing was quite okay- there was nothing bad about it. i think u had a good run. (: nothing to do with Zi Hui falling down. my remark had nothing to do with it. my remark was just a light hearted joke. i'm sorry u misunderstood it. maybe it wasnt funny at all, but by slacker i mean that u were probably not doing ur best [as seen from the finishing line incident] but still got a good timing. thats my idea of it. sorry once again.

maybe.. sometimes its good not to tell others your problems. i dunno. dear. is it good? pls tell me. cos if its good to keep it in like how u always do then in future i'm keeping everything in. if i dun appear tmr in sch, or dun go to the FOP, well then u know i'm sick of life and living it. (:

but good job. i posted at 1.15. its late, but i need to be at school at 9am. how intriguing (: what a miracle i need. cant get up on saturdays fk it. oh well, i'll do my best. what else can i say?

its 2 weeks and 6 days more. that symbolic day is.. well. i dont know. anything special? i'm just one year older. what more can i do at 15? not much more than 14. just waiting for 16. then i can go to the videoezy counter and borrow like hell without needing to apply for membership. at 16 i'd open my first pool table and laugh at the guy who laughs at me when i was 14 or 15. when i couldnt play he would check IC. and now that u check, i'm legal. lAUGH la. (:

but sleepy me needs his sleep. been a long day

i dun understand why u dun catch ur sleep. u need it.