detachment frm this. wretched world.

my phone is off.
cos i dont want ppl to knw how weak i am.
vishi im sorry i screamed at u over e phone. tt may have scared u. jus to say sorry.
and huimin sry i was like in a bad mood when u called to update me. thx for calling.

no man im not going to turn e phone on. calls will come in informing me abt things i definately dont want to happen and then i'll just blow cos nw's not the time to talk to me.

and when i blow i dont talk sense anymore its just "Fuck" and fuck.

what else is there to be said? i dont know what u want anymore. at first u had problems with me ; i wasnt doing anything. now i change i try to do things and u say tt i dun listen to u anymore i just nag.

i jus dunno what to do anymore. im so totally lost here. i dont want to further hurt u in any way. if ur being with me just hurts SO MUCH then i dn want to hurt u anymore. do ur math and substitute.

i dont want to always hurt u. cos when i hurt u, its always reciprocal. u'll always call and start rambling abt what i did, what i din do. etc etccccccc.

now i know why u dun like to cry in front of me. its embarassing. so hard to just keep them in. and it stings. and u just cant speak properly. it comes out juttery and in breaks and there's no sequence to ur words. blabbering and blabbering. results of crying.

if dis is what u wanted. not to be hurt anymore. ur wish is so granted. i cant be the one for u. what u want is perfection. for me to always be there isnt possible and u know that. u know how important friday nights/evenings are to me.plus u know im blur. and stupid. and i dont get messages till ppl tell me in the face. so why did u call and just say "nothing"? u were laughing and i thought it was a joke. i picked up the call and to my surprise it was u calling me and laughing. and i took it, not seriously.as in. i din noe smt urgent cropped up.

so i told u i was busy ( I dont even recall dis. i only rmb gavin telling me that he wanted double A batteries and me, reaching in for the batt while talking to u. and the musicians were just trying to ask for things when i cldnt hear them at all cos i was on the phone. maybe at tt moment i said i was busy. i dont know spur of e moment maybe.

and yeah aft tt i took a lil time off to ask u wad happened and u just said nth. and i assumed tt, tt call was just cos u missed me or wanted to hear my voice or smt. so i said i was busy. and yeah i fogot how i ended e call. but e service was starting. and u may nt know this but aft e service i called e number again and he said u werent with him anymore. so i msged u.

and aft tt in e recording studio lionel was falling asleep. jie ying was doing her recording. and i was on the phone for 1 hour trying to make sense of what u were trying to say besides putting me down sentence aft sentence. i really dont know dont know dont know what u want anymore.

come to think abt it. i was always nt there for u. was i? or was it taken for granted those times that i was there. when ur being ap and angry do u forget all those times i was there? come to think abt it. if i din have bible study tonight and went with u to the sports com and nothing happened. wld i considered being there? if it was just like every other day when we'd board the same bus. wld i still be considered as "there for u"? or is it just when so qiao something happens and im physically not present. thats when im not there? or is it becos i cant make it for ur touch rug matches. thats why im not there? i have reasons. not that i dont want to be there. there's a differenece between " want but cannot " and " dun want but can ". pls try to understand that i "want but cannot" and as it always is, its the thought that counts. that what u always say too. i want but cannot be there. ok? in other words. im not there not becos i dun wan to be there. im nt there becos i cant be there. there's a marginal difference.

its just so confusing. u tell me u dont want anything anymore. u dun expect anything anymore.


..


let me hide in this shell of.. disappearance for a while. i pray tt aft tonight TMR I"LL BE FINE.cos there's still OPEN HOUSE. and i've gotta be there by 7. i dn blame u vishi. u know u've got shit to attend to also.probably u nid me there i understand. i'll be there man.

my phone's off. becos i dont want all of u to get screamed at by me.

and i know so badly that i dont want this to happen. that i dont want this outcome but i dont want to hurt u anymore. i just want e best for u. just wanted to be there for u. its just soooooo freaking hard to be at 3 places at one time. sports complex, study area and suntec. oh before suntec, mum's office. i hope that the lucky draw box is done up. i trust kerry will finish e job with aishah.

gosh. so much to do. so little time. i just need.. to hide. im a coward face it. just wanna hide in my shell fer a while. ill come out tmr.. drop me a msg if anyone wants me. and im sorry im so uncontactable. its for all ur own good. i mean. yeah i dont want to scream at anyone.

sorry for all i've done. big jerk is me. not able to comprehend ur messages everytime is me. not able to be there for u is me. not being able to. turn up for things u are participating for. tts me. not being able to be sensitive enuff. thats me alright. yup u found the right guy.

detachment frm this world. just in a world of my own.

sleep is all i think of. is it realli necessary? debating in my mind. whether to go out and eat something or just to lie down and sleep and wait till breakfast. its no pt eating at hm .ther's no thrill there's no excitement ther's no more trying to run across a busy road. what. wait for water to boil. boiling. wait for noodle to become soft. softening. wait for thing to dissolve. dissolved. wait for me to turn hungry.

not hungry. just a gullaton.just eating to get rid of all feeling. eating helps. ah save me.

i nid help. to sleep. its gonna be a lonnng day ahead.

i dn think i'll blog anymore. i just wanna hide in my shell. dun expect an entry anytime soon. its time for me to hide up and find myself again before i go out into the world once more.

eugene still likes yixiu.