at fault?

who's in the wrong, i may not know.. this is the story from my memory.

after the thing at the audi. i went off with lester to the lockers to put our invitations in our lockers, to be posted to the different schools at different times.

then i wanted to go to the sports com to look for u, thats where u told me to go.. luckily i went to the lockers/ip block. otherwise i wouldnt have seen u..

then i saw u buying a drink, and me and lester went over to sit with u..

then huimin went off, then lester went off.. then i lent u my phone to call ur dad cos u wanted him to come pick u up.. and truth, i dont recall u asking me to wait for u.. i offered to wait at the school bus stop with u.. but u din wanna wait at school, so we went over to my area..

then we got off, my dad called remember.. u told me to go in.. i dont remember u asking me to wait with u.. and u didnt look back today..

was this an excuse to push the blame? cos ur dad was late, so u told me off? maybe it was my fault that i didnt hear u asking me to wait with you.. i dont recall that at all. if i did i wouldve given u an answer. what answer did i give? did i give it subconsciously? i remember telling u to call ur dad, so i could call my mum. then i'd wait for her at the school bus stop, accompanying u while u wait for ur dad. and if my mum comes first.. then i'd have to leave first.. but i distinctly remember that u didnt want to wait at school. so u said something along the line of following me to my area. then i lent u my phone while waiting for e bus, and finally u got ur dad to come pick u up at the starbucks..

im sorry i didnt hear u asking me to wait with u.. well maybe my dad had to do with it. he called asking me to go home le.. he was pissed and now i know why.. but that concerns a totally different thing. thats my grandparents he was pissed at.. they were arguin the whole day.. sighs. nvm. and yeah i told my dad that i jus got off e bus and i'd be on my way home.. maybe that was the problem? im sry i didnt wait with u..

i dont know.. maybe family still comes first? i could hear people shouting in the background. dinner was tense. sister had arguments with me. she got fed up.. finally stopped eating and went off.. over a stupid stupid math question.. grandma scolded grandpa once again for drinking wine.. grandpa's immediate reaction was, "MAI KAO BEI LA.[i dno how to write this in hokkien.] BESIDES THIS WHAT CAN YOU DO!? KAO BEI KAO BEI. FUCK OFF!"

then he went to the toilet. after that he went to take his walk. he just started walking. thats a good sign. he used to sit there forever. not moving. he die in his chair none of us would know. when he's online he cant hear anyting else. he's in his world like 9/10 of the time.

damn i want to exchange my life with someone else's.. nothing's going smoothly..

im definately not the only one facing these problems. my family isnt broken up. its just messy.
my studies are just going down the drain with every single test.
i cant put my girlfriend first in everything i do.. there are always so many complications. im such a lousy boyfriend. things on here and there. not enough time, ever.. NO. rather, not organising my life properly. everyone has 24 hours. how u organise it is ur business..

i just hope.. that im forgiven there.. i dunno.. i dunno why im such a good boy sometimes.. just rushing home whenever something happens.. when my grandparents start fighting.. when my dad shouts and my grandpa and vice versa.. the other time i asked them to cool it my dad gave me the cold hard stare and told me to stay out of it.. it hurt.. and my mum.. my sis.. my grandma.. what can they do? if my mum interferes.. my dad would just be angry. because we all know that he's taking all the blame, he always takes allll the blame.. no matter what.. if my uncles didnt do something, my grandparents would nag at my dad. if they did something, my grandparents would be so happy and go over to their house or something. but what happens when my dad does something. does he ever get acknowledged? NEVER.

maybe i dont want to be a dad. it seems so tough sometimes.. to do all that.. if i cant cope now.. what more when the world is against u.. never stopping for u.. at least when ur a kid u can take ur time.. u have all the time in the world kid.. make use of it.. when ur an adult, speed is defined by the world. the market movement is dependant on what people do. the more the ppl do, the faster the market reacts. the faster the market reacts the more people do. vicious cycle. what is this logic..

the world's just a screwed up place..

and to think.. today is.. the 10th of may.. im plain heartbroken. i dont know. i dont want to go online. it'll just result in u screaming at me and screaming and screaming because i didnt wait with u today.. dont tell me to get rid of my ego when u cant even put urs down to ask for a phone at starbucks, or to take a seat while waiting.. it doesnt matter if he came fast or not.. it wouldve helped if u took a seat.. no matter fast or not.. i dont understand why u didnt sit down or borrow a phone.. are u just taking this chance to fire at me so that i'll feel super lousy. so that u can hurt me again and again. to tell me sweet things then just make it all irrelevant once more? is that what u want to do?

by right, if u wanted him to come pick u up, then u shouldnt have grumbled that he came slow or fast. he couldve chosen not to come at all. why did he come? dont scold him. he came because he loves u. if he didnt want to come then maybe he's busy. imagine if u went to pick someone up, and the person isnt there.. ur worried cos its in the evening and siglap area is known as gangster area. which singaporean man doesnt know about jalan tua kong.. and when u reach there. ur daughter isnt there.. and her phone is batt low.. would u be worried? pls dun be angry at ur dad my dear..

sighs i dont know.. hug hug.. imsorry i wasnt there. maybe u'll never accept this apology.. i just find it very. i dont know. hurting? today's the 10th.. every 10th is a day to remember my dear.. not as a day to be angry at.. im sorry my dear.. sorry for not waiting.. pls tk note that im nt blaming u.. jus suggesting what u cld do nxt time if this happened.. so sit down first k? then if he still doesnt come borrow a phone.. im sorry dear...... i still love u alotts....

time for shower... i hope i really am forgiven.. that its not just words.. im sorry............. i'll be there when ur doing ur titans and competitions.......