Today I hit a new high; I tried to staple my papers together with a nail clipper.

maybe I'm just not cut out for this

S(h/tr)oo(t/p)

RED

BLUE

And if I'm flying solo

At least I'm flying free

To those who'd ground me

Take a message back from me

Tell them how I am

Defying gravity

We all know I'm only here when I'm upset
And I'm quite upset

What am I doing?

Somewhere along the line, while studying for my IO psychology midterm tomorrow, I suddenly felt this lack of purpose. I stopped studying for a bit, went to take a glass of water, came back, sat down and just stared at my curtains.

What am I doing?

The thought kept creeping across my mind. Not in the "I'm supposed to be studying... what am I doing?" sense, but in more of an existential sense; "what am I doing with my life?"

I found myself thinking, examining what I have been doing so far.

I go to school, I come back home. I study, I play games in between studying sessions. Games which just kill time, non-purposeful games. I study, I get good grades. And then what? I complete my degree. And then what? I proceed to live life. Live life. Hmm..... Live..... Life........ doing what?

My mind fast forwarded to 10 years down the road. Hopefully I'm happily married and have found some purpose in life. Maybe I'll spend my evenings watching TV or browsing the web. Maybe I'll find a hobby somewhere along the way and end up spending my free time pursuing that hobby. But all this seems too... "chancey". It's as though I'm trusting time to just solve the problem for me, when I know that if I don't do anything to change my lifestyle now, chances are that my life will just be the same 10 years from now. So what if I'm married, have kids, have a stable job with minimal worries? The foundation of my life will not have changed; I will still be looking toward to next goal, chasing that goal until the goal is complete. Other goals will come along, I will take up those goals, and chase those too. Can life ever be more than just an endless chasing of goals? At the end of the day, while the activities I do will be different, will the purpose of doing them ever be any different?

Purpose. What a word. Wait. What is my purpose? Am I here just so that I can die? Even being here "to die" is a purpose. Do I have a purpose?

I guess I have not fully accepted the fact that one day I will die. I live life looking forward to the next day, and the day after, and the day after, and the day after. An infinite number of days after. But that means that... death will never come, because there will always be "a day after tomorrow". If I've not accepted that one day my life will end and that tomorrow will not come, then have I accepted that my purpose on Earth is "to die"? I guess not. I guess my view of my purpose now is, just to get by. To finish today, and start tomorrow. In this sense, I am purposeless. No future to look forward to, not even the lack of a future (death) to look forward to. And I ask myself, why is that?

I realize all this sounds too damn familiar. It sounds like something from an abnormal psychology textbook. I figured that I'm on the verge of having an existential crisis. I need to steer away from that. Things can get dangerously blue if I don't.

In order to do that, I need to focus on something. I need to study for my test tomorrow. And tomorrow? I need to do my readings for Wednesday's class. Wednesday? I need to do my readings for Thursday's class. Thursday? I need to study for Friday's midterm. Friday? I need to get some rest (falling sick) so that I can give tuition on Saturday. Saturday? I miss Linette, and given that I haven't been spending very much quality time with her, I'd very much like to spend Saturday evening with her.

But you see, in that plan, there's the cycle right there. The never ending, infinite loop. To finish today, and start tomorrow, only to finish tomorrow and start the following day.

I guess that's where I am now. One day I will return to this page, and I will finish thinking what I was thinking. But for now, IO psychology beckons.

"Motivation" - hahaha what irony.

My biggest takeaway from tonight? People in a relationship can be different, and they can have different sets of values. They can have different benchmarks for what is right, what is wrong, what is "moral", "considerate", "rude" and such. Married couples, happy couples do not always need to agree on everything, even on the fundamental things.

So just accept it, and it won't be such a big deal any more. There's no need to try and convince another person that what he/she believes in is not "normal"; it's a subjective benchmark. I can't believe I didn't apply that to this relationship. I mean, I could accept that every individual has his/her own right to his/her own belief, but not set of values? What was I thinking?

Another thing is, I guess people don't need to be happy all the time. It's alright to be upset and unhappy, it's part and parcel of life. Idealistic, trying to change someone else so that you can be happier, just isn't going to work. So once again, just accept it.

The universe... fucks with you sometimes, but really - what can you do? Gotta be more zen and chill. Some things are not in your control. Just do the best you can and let everyone else do their own part, and take whatever the result is. Just accept it.

I wake up from a nightmare, into a nightmare which I cannot end, or talk to anyone about. It is painful, this feeling of dread, anxiety, and fear all thrown into one.

What's worse; not knowing how this will go? Or not knowing how I want this to go?

I feel lost

A wild snake has appeared!

I went cycling with Linette on Monday, it was magical and beautiful. Oh and we saw a wild snake!

Will post pictures after exams end tomorrow. Freedom approaches!

Immerse yourself in work, clear the world out of your head, be safe in your sanctuary.

It's probably too late, but I wish I wrote more. I wish I had more practice writing fluently. Well, not that my writing isn't fluent, it's just not what one would call "flowing". I struggle trying to connect different ideas together, trying to weave all of them into one single argument. As much as the content matters, how I present the content matters as well.

Anyway, enough of that. Been reading the Hunger Games in my free time (bought it on Kobo). Finished the first book, was an amazing page turner. I'd shit for extended periods just to read one more chapter. And I'm on the 2nd chapter of the 2nd book now, just that I cannot afford to continue reading on like this. I've 2 quizzes on Monday, a group presentation on Wednesday and a group paper to hand in on Thursday, so I guess I'll have to put off extended reading until the finals are over (which are in less than a month).

But I'm here because I've ploughed through my notes for a bit, trying to study for Monday, and I have to admit - studying for an exam is harder than writing a damn paper. Everything hinges on those couple of hours, and the preparation is tough. It's not only understanding, it's memory work and that seems pointless to some extent.

So, the Hunger Games. Great storyline! I'm thrown into the world of Panem each time I launch Kobo. The world around me just disappears while I read. Prior to today, I have not watched the trailer for the movie. I decided that I would only watch the trailer/movie after I've finished the book, and now that I have, I take a look at the trailer, and while some part of me is excited by the world presented to me, part of me now regrets watching the trailer.

Here's the thing about reading. You construct the world by yourself. My understanding of "Panem" is absolutely different from your understanding of "Panem". How Katniss looks like, how Peeta looks like, how Gale looks like, all have zero bearing on my preference toward character - I have absolutely no idea how they look like, and therefore I cannot make judgements about character, take sides etc, based on how they look. In other words, my judgements about what happens won't be biased.

--SPOILER ALERT--

Before I saw the trailer, I was torn between two sides - whether to support the Katniss-Peeta "relationship", or whether to support the Katniss-Gale "relationship". And it seemed to provide good avenue for me to actually contemplate some issues, take a stand, allow myself to solidify my system of values. It provided a dilemma for me to think about. It didn't thrust the answer into my hands (at least not yet), but it made me want to find out more about these 2 couples, what the dynamics of their relationships are like and who I should support.

But now that I've seen the trailer, I know how Gale looks like, and I know how Peeta looks like. And I have to say - I once was sitting on the fence about the Peeta/Gale thing, but having seen the trailer, I'm leaning toward the Peeta side. Because I think they look better together. Well, truth be told I've read more about Peeta and Katniss than Gale and Katniss, so that might have some influence, but seeing the trailer did not give me something to ponder. It did not rouse my curiosity (although I now want to know how the Games played out on the screen). In fact, I was partly afraid that my mental image of "Panem" - District 12, the Capitol, would be marred by what I saw. Thankfully I didn't get to see much.

But still, I'm left wonder if I should go catch the movie or not. Will it spoil that warm feeling I get whenever I read about Peeta trying to romance Katniss? Will it spoil the dilemma, the confusion I share with Katniss when she herself contemplates what to do? How will watching the movie change the way I read the book/my understanding of it/my appreciation of it?

I sound like a spoilt Capitol citizen. But here's the thing - maybe I am. I find myself drawing parallels between what is written in the book and what is happening in real life. But I think I would find myself drawing less parallels between the movie and real life - because I'd say "nawww, that's not me... that's not what I look like". Like it or not, how one looks plays an important role in deciding one's role and identity; we cannot divorce one's identity from his/her features. But I truly find myself wondering, what if I watch the movie, and then continue to read "Catching Fire"... and I now know what everything looks like, and therefore I will be less inclined to think of myself as one of the characters? How much less will I enjoy the book?

Ah well, back to Developmental Psychology.

Linette Cheong

Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

iPad

So I bought my new iPad yesterday. It was a steal! The refurbished iPad 1 was going for $538, but the brand new iPad 2 was going for $528! Talk about price reduction! Thanks to the release of the new iPad, the price of iPad 2s in stores have dropped significantly.

Well, it was a good buy. And this was a good break. Back to doing work...

Scrambling

I regret not blogging more often, but things around the house have been more inconvenient than usual. Photos go into my laptop, which has terrible internet connectivity. I edit the photos there, but have to transfer to my desktop to upload and post online. So usually, I delay blogging.

But today, is a little special. Today, I want to proclaim how much I love this girl. She genuinely found the water tube that came with the flower, much cooler than the flower itself. Where else to find a girl like this?

I'm glad she's my girl, and I love her with all my heart.

Happy Valentine's day Linette :)

Sem 2 Begins

So, we're starting to get into the full swing of things in school. And for some reason, this semester seems harder to swallow. I wish for more strength and perseverance in the weeks to come.

Changi Boardwalk

Like a Horse

31-12-2011

This has been a good year. And what a way to end it but with Linette's D90 in my hands! :) Here's an image to end the year, happy new year everyone! See you on the other side!